Victim Mentality: Who or What is Controlling You?

Victim Mentality

Who or what is controlling you?

Victim Mentality…My wife (Lisa) and I just sold our house of 25 years and bought a small condo. Since the unit is a little dated, we decided to change out all of the appliances and countertops, and repaint the walls. The only thing new in the condo was the carpet in the master bedroom. The owners added it just to sell their home.

Lisa was disappointed with the carpet. When we walked through the unit the first time the floor was bare, which meant we could put down the flooring of our choice. But by the time we visited the home again the owner had painted the entire condo and carpeted the bedroom. Shoot. It’s nice carpet, we just didn’t want carpet. Oh well.

A Victim Mentality Accepts Limited Choices

So, we bought the condo and are now in full renovation mode. We are waiting for our appliances and countertops to arrive. I’ve painted all the walls. We are spending money right and left. Then the other day I was staring at the bedroom carpet, feeling disappointed that Lisa wasn’t getting the flooring she wanted.

And then it dawned on me… we are changing everything else in the condo… why do we feel that we have to keep the carpet? We didn’t buy the carpet. We didn’t pay extra for the carpet. We don’t owe the carpet or the previous owner anything. Let’s change the carpet!

What a revelation. I realized I felt responsible to make use of the new carpet and guilty at the thought of getting rid of it. I mean… it was perfectly good carpet!

Rejecting a Victim Mentality Opens New Doors

Flashback 30 years ago when we were living on a farm, feeling like we had reached a dead end and the vision we had for farm life had died. It seemed that we were stuck living there… until I realized that we could sell the farm. We could move. Sure, it would be a huge setback financially and put the final nail in the coffin of our dream. But we had agency. We had the power to choose. We were stuck in our minds much more than in reality. 

When that truth sunk in, we sold the farm and moved. That move is what sent us in an entirely new and positive direction. It ultimately led to my returning to full time ministry, starting Cedarbrook Church, writing six books, and working in a treatment center for 24 years.

Fast forward to our current situation with the carpet. In the same way, only a much smaller way, I realized that we had agency. We didn’t have to live with someone else's decision. We didn’t have to let someone else define our existence. That was a victim mentality. 

So I texted Lisa and said, “Let’s get rid of the carpet and get you the flooring you want.” She, of course, being responsible and frugal like me, resisted at first. It felt wrong to throw away new carpet. True. But it feels more wrong to let someone else’s decision determine our fate for the next 10 or 15 years… and to be quite realistic… we may not have 10 to 15 years to wait. So, if we want flooring in our bedroom, now’s the time. She agreed and the flooring is in.

Who or What is Controlling You?

I tell you this because, my guess is, there might be something or someone in your life who is defining your life for you in a way that restricts you living your best life. I realize that life comes with its limitations. There is suffering. We can’t always escape and there is even spiritual value in submitting to these limitations. But that’s another topic.

I’m talking about those things and those people that restrict you and yet you dutifully submit just because you think you have to. You never question the restriction. You just live with it and work around it… to your own detriment.

The Lie of Victim Thinking

Victim thinking lies to you. It tells you that you have no choice, no options. You are forced to live a certain way because of the hand that you were dealt. But victim thinking offers a lazy lie. Sure, it’s hard to stand up for what you want. It’s easier to just go with what you’ve been given. But that’s not how you break through barriers and achieve new heights. The lies you believe will keep you stuck forever.

I’m here today to shine a light on that situation, or that idea, or that person that’s holding you back and say “Wake up! You have agency! You don’t HAVE to let other people or other things define your life. You have the freedom to choose your future.”

God Gives You the Power to Choose

If you are a spiritual person, this is so important because the Bible tells us that Jesus came to give us a new life. Old things pass away. Everything is new. But too often we ignore the things that God wants to do in us because our victim mentality keeps us stuck. We live in the fear of the difficulty of change, the push back we might receive, or disappointing other people rather than living into the full life that God wants to give us.

God has a better life for you. He will not only show you the lies you are believing, he will give you the willpower you need to make the changes necessary to live the life you are meant to live.

A Prayer For You

Here’s a prayer you might want to pray right now:

Father God, thank you that you want to make all things new in my life. Please show me where I’m holding onto something that is keeping me from living the life you have for me. Show me the people, the ideas, the rules, etc. that I’m seeking to please when I ought to be seeking to please you. And then give me the power to make the changes I need to make. Amen.

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