Should A Wife Submit to Her Husband?

Should A Wife Submit To Her Husband?

Should a wife submit to her husband? To some people this question is laughable and archaic…coming from another time and another world. But to others who are concerned about being true to God and what the Bible says it’s a serious question. For some, there’s no debate. The answer is yes and amen. For others this question causes distress, believing that a woman who blindly submits to her husband is denying her humanity and possibly subjecting herself to abuse.

The Wrong Question

I’d like to suggest that this question is the wrong question to ask. It puts too much focus and responsibility on the woman when the words from the Bible focus more on the role of the husband. Let’s take a look.

The text I’m referring to is from the apostle Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church. In chapter five he starts by saying:

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1,2

Paul is talking about the need to love each other with a self sacrificing love, that is, putting the other person’s needs before your own. Jesus gave up his life to advance the lives of others. That’s our model to follow.

Submitting To Each Other

Paul continues by saying:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Then he narrows his focus to explain how husbands and wives should submit to each other. To wives he says:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22- 24

Husbands, Submit to Your Wives?

But don’t stop reading. It’s interesting that whenever I hear this text quoted the focus is almost always on what the wife should do (submit) and not what the man should do. So, let’s keep reading. Paul picks up his thought from verse two about giving up your life and applies it to husbands…

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy... Ephesians 5:25

In both verses (2, 25) Paul said that Jesus “gave himself up.” The word in Greek means to “give oneself over to the power of another.” So Jesus gave up his rights in order to benefit others. You could say that he submitted himself to the will of others.

The Meaning of Headship

This helps us to understand the meaning of the word “head” in verse 23. Headship doesn’t mean that a husband is ordained by God to tell his wife what to do. Husbands are supposed to love their wives by sacrificing their desires to benefit their wives. 

The reason people struggle with this text is because they bring a modern idea of “head” into their interpretation. They think “head” means boss. But Jesus turned the meaning of “head” upside down. To be the “head” or leader, is to serve others. It’s as Jesus said of himself…

“...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

A true leader lowers themselves in order to raise others up equal to or above themselves.

The Golden Rule in Marriage

But wait… Paul didn’t stop here. To make sure he made his point he said…

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” … each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:28-33

Paul is basically relating Jesus’ Golden Rule here and applying it to marriage… Do to others what you’d want them to do to you. In other words, treat your wife like you would like to be treated because you are one flesh. To mistreat your wife is to mistreat yourself.

Husbands, do you like it when people make decisions without your input? Do you like being told what to do without having any say in the matter? Or do you like it better when people seek out your opinion, respect it, and try to compromise with you when there are differences? Exactly. That’s Paul’s point.

Who Submits to Who?

Should a wife submit to her husband? Yes…. but… a husband should also submit to his wife; both preferring the other.

The weight of Paul’s words fall to husbands. They are to give themselves over to serve their wives. And wives are to submit themselves to this kind of leadership. Verses 22-28 is the long way of saying what Paul said in verse 21: Submit yourselves to one another. When this happens, there is harmony and unity in the relationship.

Using the Bible For Good

Scripture should never be used to suppress or oppress someone or intimidate them into obedience. The fruit of the Bible should be freedom. The apostle James shows us what should result from hearing or speaking God’s word in his letter to the church…

… the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17, 18

I pray for all marriages that they will be able to reap a harvest full of mercy and good fruit.

If you are the victim of spiritual abuse please consider reading my book, Broken Trust to help you find freedom and healing.

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