Set Boundaries To Stop Being Offended
Set Boundaries To Stop Being Offended
In my last post I got a lengthy comment from someone who struggled with what I said about not being offended. They understood my words but wondered if there was a place for setting boundaries to protect yourself from being offended.
My response is: absolutely. There are typically two sides to every story. I’m glad this person drew out another side to help balance my posts on being offended.
A Third Approach To Being Offended: Set Boundaries
When people invade your space and take things from you, whether that is physical or emotional, you can live your life mad at the them or you can “die” to these invasions, as I mentioned in my last post. That means you realize that your worth in this world isn’t tied to what these people think about you or even what they took from you. You aren’t offended because you hold things loosely and don’t experience any loss.
But another solution to not being offended is to prevent the invasion from taking place in the first place. I used the simple example of a neighbor borrowing your lawnmower without your permission and failing to return it. You could spend a lot of energy venting about the audacity of what they did and how you feel disrespected. But there’s a simple solution to that: lock your garage. Right? That’s setting a boundary.
The same is true emotionally. If there are people in your life who take and take and take from you emotionally, always demanding that you drop everything and come to their aid, you can “lock” them out too. You can prevent this from happening by putting up conditions for your involvement with them.
I Learned About Boundaries the Hard Way
I had to learn this the hard way as a pastor. There were people who didn’t hesitate to call me at any hour to get my help. At first that fed my need to be needed. I liked being their messiah, rescuing them, caring for them when others wouldn’t, being their go-to person. But over time I realized the folly of our co-dependency… they needed me to save them. I needed to save them.
I also realized that by their dominating my life they prevented me from helping countless other people, including my family, as well as diverting me from other aspects of ministry. I quickly learned to put parameters around how, where, and when I would be available to meet with people. My mantra was: Don’t let someone else’s crisis become your crisis. When you do, you are no longer helpful to others.
Four Types of Boundaries
There is a progression of boundaries that one should consider with the following visuals:
Velvet rope: this is when you make simple requests of people about how to respect your space trusting they will comply.
Garden fence: a garden fence is necessary when you need to get more explicit about what you expect from people when they fail to respond to your request. It’s not vague or subtle. Clarity is the key word.
Concrete wall with a moat: this is where you have to get firm with people who seem to be clueless. There needs to be a consequence for their offense. Imagine someone scaling a concrete wall to get into your yard. Absurd, right? But some people are like this. These people need a moat to serve as a consequence for their intrusion (wet feet).
A boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion.
Razor wire and guard towers: this is when you take extreme measures to make your point and keep people out of your life. It’s consequences on steroids. It might require a restraining order or retaining a lawyer to sue someone, or any number of extreme measures (legal) you need to take to stop the offense.
Setting Boundaries is Hard
It’s very hard for some people to implement boundaries and this gets back to what I mentioned in the earlier post about shame. Some people crave the affirmation of others. They fear that setting boundaries will cause people to reject them, and rejection is a greater threat than having their life taken over by someone else.
They might also have a skewed idea of Christian compassion. They feel that the “Christian” thing to do is to jump to someone’s aid at all costs. But that’s not true. Jesus set boundaries. Read about that here along with guidelines for setting boundaries.
When you fail to set boundaries it can lead to your being offended. Resentment grows toward the offender over time and possibly a deep hatred.
Your Next Step: Set Boundaries
This is what I want you to see: the boundary breaker isn’t the entire problem here. If you find yourself easily offended, look in the mirror. The solution might have more to do with you than your offender. Maybe you have allowed people into your life who shouldn’t be there. I’m not saying that you should take all the responsibility for any form of abuse. Don’t hear that. But there are things you can do to prevent many offenses from happening. You can reframe the experience by “dying to yourself” as I’ve said, or you can set boundaries.
Take Back The Pens
Consider how many chapters of your story have been written by people who had no right to have say in your story. Did you “give them a pen” and allow them to take control of your story? If you want to find peace in your life it’s important to take back the pens from everyone who shouldn’t have one. This could take some time and some wisdom. My coaching helps people with issues like this. It’s a work that needs to be done.
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