anger management — The Anger Behind the Anger

…how I discovered what really made me mad.

The anger behind the anger. The following post is adapted from my book STUCK...how to overcome your anger, forgive, and reclaim your life.

Anger and Loss

Anger comes from loss. Whenever someone hurts you there is a primary loss and a secondary loss. Let me give you an example from my life.

When I lived on a farm for seven years, my wife and I lived in a mobile home. We moved the mobile home to the farm thinking it would only be a year until we built a house. But that never happened because we couldn’t afford it. The farm didn’t generate as much money as we had hoped (surprise, surprise!).

As a result, I was feeling very stuck in our situation: very angry to be honest. I had a growing family in a 2 bedroom trailer.

Little Things Made Me Angry

I came home one night from milking the cows and I was tired. When I got home my kids had left a bunch of toys out in the yard so when I got inside I told them to get out there and pick up after themselves. The next night I came home and it was the same thing…toys all over the yard. When I walked in the house and the kids were watching TV, I got mad and said...what don’t you understand about picking up after yourself? I told you last night to put things away. Get out there and do it again. And then we all sat through a very icy supper time as I stewed in my emotion.

The Anger Behind the Anger

I really don’t remember saying that much but I do remember being really mad. The next day I thought about where my anger came from. You see the primary loss was a messy yard. I wanted things picked up. But as I thought about it…there had to be more …something deeper…to make me so mad. After all, it was just toys in the yard. It wasn’t that big of a deal.

But then I saw it. I realized there was something behind the toys that was making me mad, what I call, secondary losses. I wasn’t just mad at my kids. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I was still living in a mobile home.

Feeling Like "Trailer Trash" Made Me Angry

Now, I don’t mean any disrespect to those of you who live in a mobile home. But I grew up in the suburbs of the Twin Cities and the only mobile home park I knew about was full of run down trailers with toys all around the yard. When I drove past the with my dad he would talk about them with disdain. So something deep inside of me was embarrassed to think that this was the best I could do in life. I felt like a loser.

I realized I wasn’t mad at my kids as much as I was mad at myself for being a failure. I felt like, what people called, "Trailer Trash".

The other loss I felt that day was respect. When my kids didn’t learn from my first scolding it made me feel like they didn’t listen because they didn’t respect my authority. Now, in reality, that’s not true. They were just being kids. But my shame was working against me and causing me to feel disconnected. And then at an even deeper level I probably feared that they didn’t listen to me because I was working too much so I felt like a failure as a father.

A Defining Moment

These thoughts were a major revelation to me. They caused a significant change in all my relationships and how I dealt with my anger. I realized that only about 20% of my anger had to do with my kids not putting their toys away. The other 80% had to do with my feeling trapped in poverty, disrespected, and being absent as a father. Do you see that?

So the primary loss was the messy yard. The secondary losses were respect and the sense of feeling trapped in poverty and being a poor father.

Dealing With The True Cause of Your Anger.

Unfortunately we rarely think about the secondary losses and dealing with our issues. We just keep yelling louder at the kids or whomever we are mad at until they finally do what we want or walk away from us.

Take a minute and think about someone who has offended you recently. What did they do that made you mad? Now go deeper. What are the secondary losses that hurt so much? Before you spend any more time obsessing about how you were hurt, pray about the deeper issues...the 80% that I talked about above. A prayer like this might be helpful:

Father, I realize that there is more to my anger than what initially upset me. There are secondary issues. Issues where I feel a loss. Help me to see those losses, understand them, and bring them to you to heal. Help me not use my anger to punish others but to be a signal to turn to you for help and healing. Amen.

Question:What are secondary losses that often make you angry?

Home page

Subscribe to readingremy.com on the Home Page and you will receive the first chapter to my book, STUCK… how to overcome your anger, forgive, and reclaim your life.