The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
What’s the difference between shame and guilt? Are they the same?
One misunderstanding people often have is that shame is something that only guilty people have...people with lots of regrets. They assume that if they don't have a life full of regrets that they have no shame. Not true. Here's an excerpt from my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, that clarifies the difference.
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
Whenever I ask a group to define shame the first answer is almost always "guilt". But shame is not guilt. True guilt – feeling a sense of remorse for wrong doing – is a good thing. This is also what some people refer to as being “a-shamed” or “good shame”. In the Bible story of Adam and Eve they experienced this sense of guilt when they disobeyed God in the Garden. The Bible says that they were naked and ashamed.
When I speak of shame, I am always talking about something bad – something destructive. You see, guilt is con-structive. It tells you that you have done something wrong and motivates you to both make amends as well as to seek forgiveness and restoration.
Shame Is Not About What You’ve Done
There is a remedy for guilt. But with shame, there is no remedy. Shame is de-structive. Shame is not about what you’ve done. Shame is about who you are. It is a condemnation of you as a person. That is why it is so devastating.
If I have done something wrong, I can usually fix that. Or, if I can’t fix it I can at least seek forgiveness. But if I am wrong – if there is something inherently wrong with me – I can’t do anything about that and it makes me want to give up. Taken from Healing the Hurts of Your Past.
Shame is not about what you've done. More often shame is about what's been done to you or said about you that is demeaning, disrespectful, and undermines your sense of value, dignity and worth.
If you are a victim of abuse, ridicule or neglect then shame has most likely attached itself to your identity. If your family has secrets or you've experienced any kind of trauma then shame may also have entered your psyche through these means.
The Coping Mechanisms of Shame
People who suffer shame have a whole tool belt full of coping mechanisms to off-set their shame. But if you could remove the shame then you could also throw the tool belt away. There would no longer be any need for ways to cope with your shame. Imagine the freedom of not having to cover your shame every day!
I hope this helps you understand the difference between shame and guilt and how shame might play a role in your life even if you have no big regrets. Now the question is...how can you go about removing the shame from your life and dumping that tool belt full of coping mechanisms? I hope you will check out my book where I discuss this at length. Be sure to read the reviews to see how the booked helped people with their shame.