I'm SO Offended! Are You?
I’m SO Offended
Are you?
Everyone is offended about something today. Outrage is what makes you click on your newsfeed. Maybe that’s why you clicked on this post. We seem to like catching someone doing wrong and calling them out for it. But is that the kind of person you want to be?
I’m So Offended.
“I’m so offended.” That’s what I used to hear myself saying to others or to myself.
I was offended when my kids didn’t give me the respect I deserved.
I was offended when my wife didn’t affirm me in the way I thought she should.
I was offended when I didn’t get paid the salary that I thought I was worthy of having.
And I was offended when just about anyone didn’t do what I thought they should do.
You name it. I was offended.
Then I was asked to lead a group at the local addiction treatment center on spirituality. I didn’t want to come across as some religious guy. I wanted my groups to make God personal so people could truly make a connection with God. I decided to lead groups on two topics that relate to everyone: shame and anger. God can meet us in both of these areas to bring wholeness.
Shame and Anger Were MY Issues
Those groups helped many people find God’s healing to the pain of their shame and anger… including me. As the saying goes: the teacher learns more than the student. I learned about my shame and my anger and how they impacted this problem of always being offended.
Somewhere in my youth I came to believe that I wasn’t acceptable. Not a washout, I just didn’t measure up. And so I constantly doubted myself. I believed the lie that I wasn’t good enough and therefore, unacceptable.
From Shame to Becoming Offended to Becoming Offensive
There is a natural and destructive pattern that flows out of shame. Follow along with me to see if you can relate:
Shame leads to becoming offended by any hint of rejection.
Being offended leads to becoming angry.
Being angry leads to becoming defensive.
Being defensive leads to losing your compassion.
Losing your compassion distances you from God.
Losing compassion and a closeness to God leads to becoming offensive.
Let’s take a closer look at this progression.
Shame Leads to Being Offended
If you live with a wound that tells you that you don’t measure up, you aren’t good enough, etc. you will be able to sense the slightest hint of rejection. It’s like an open sore that you constantly have to protect. But, of course, you can’t be on guard 24/7 so inevitably someone will say something or do something that will brush up against that sore, inflaming your wound.
Being Offended Leads to Anger
The sting of rejection or of being overlooked causes you to react in anger. You feel the loss of dignity and respect which fires your anger. How could they do that, say that? Why weren’t they thinking about me? How can they ignore me? These questions consume you and you play the events over and over in your head, both beating yourself up and thinking how you can even the score.
Being Angry Leads to Becoming Defensive
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Okay, you let your guard down, but you are no fool. So you carefully build walls of protection around yourself so others can’t hurt you again.
The problem with this is that your walls distance you from others. Sure, you don’t get hurt, but you also lose intimacy in your relationships and you find your world getting smaller and smaller, turning to only a small group of people who think like you and a small number of topics you feel safe discussing. There are now only good people and bad people. Paranoia seeps in.
A proverb tells us:
Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9
The polarization we see in our world today has a lot to do with people being offended and feeling justified in cutting people out of their lives.
Being Defensive Leads to the Loss of Compassion
It’s been said that once you label someone, you can dismiss them. That is, once you identify who the bad people are then you don’t have to care about them. Oh, they’re an alcoholic. Oh, they’re divorced. Oh, they’re a Democrat/Republican. Aren’t they the person who dissed me at that party? When you reduce people to a label it’s much easier to disregard them. You no longer see them as fully human and therefore not worthy of your compassion.
Losing Compassion Leads to Losing Touch With God.
The New Testament writer, Mark, tells a story of how the religious leaders of that day were offended by Jesus working miracles. Who did he think he was? Did he think he was better than them? Jesus working miracles made them feel “less than”… less spiritual than they wanted to be perceived. Mark comments about Jesus:
He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. Mark 6:5
The religious leaders being offended shut down the work of God.
People don’t always realize the negative spiritual consequences of being offended.
Being Offended Ultimately Leads to Becoming Offensive
When you lose compassion and a connection to God, then it's a small step to becoming offensive. You no longer feel a connection to people. They are the enemy. You’ve reduced people to good and evil and so striking out with your words, or worse, is only natural. You look for ways to retaliate, paying people back for what they’ve done to you, making sure to let them know that they didn’t win.
Healing the Wound of Offense
Retaliation is never a winning strategy. I want to encourage you to bring your wounds to God. Let God heal your shame, and when you do, so much dysfunction will be resolved.
When I discovered the source of my being offended, I brought those wounds to God. I’ve found that when I am offended it’s much more about me than anyone else. People aren’t the source of my offenses. My wounds of shame and the lies I believed were the source.
Now, when I’m hurt, I no longer point the finger. I look in the mirror and ask what it was in me that allowed someone to steal my joy. Then I bring my wounds to God and he convinces me that I am valuable. I am acceptable… at least to him, and that’s all that matters.
Plus, I am free to love my offender. I recently heard Pastor Albert Tate say that…
The worst thing that can happen to you is not that you become offended. The worst thing that can happen to you is that you don’t love well those who have offended you.
The truth is, I will never be validated in this life to the full extent that my heart longs for. At least not from people. But God has validated my worth by sending Jesus to die for me, and you as well. The cross is much more than a religious icon or cliche to me. It’s proof positive that I’m valuable to God and I take that to the bank every day.
I hope my words cause you to stop and think about how you are offended. Don’t waste your time retaliating or beating yourself up, even if it’s only in your mind. Life is too short. Freedom awaits you if you bring these hurts to God.
I cover the issue of healing shame in my book Healing the Hurts of Your Past and the issue of anger and forgiveness in my book STUCK… how to overcome anger, forgive, and reclaim your life.
Be sure to check out the Home Page to learn more about all my books, blog posts, and coaching opportunities. And if you subscribe to readingremy.com you will receive the first chapter to my book, STUCK.
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