When Suicide Takes A Loved One
When Suicide Takes A Loved One
I recently spoke at the funeral for someone who committed suicide in my community. The words seemed to help a number of people and so I offer them here, slightly altered so as not to mention the deceased.
When Suicide Takes A Loved One
When a tragedy strikes, like suicide, it shakes the foundation of your being. It raises a lot of questions and I want to answer a few of them today.
First, tragedy can unsettle you and make you wonder if anything is certain. Can you count on anything? Is life merely organized chaos?
It may not seem like it at times, but God still rules the universe. When everything fails you, God is still there. The world will keep spinning. Life will go on. The Bible tells us that:
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. That is why we are not afraid even when the earth quakes or the mountains topple into the depths of the sea, even though its water roars and foams, and mountains shake at the surging waves. Psalm 46
You might wonder if taking your own life separates your from God. Some people believe that But the Bible is very clear:
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39
When a believer is absent from their body they are present with the Lord. The fact that they had a momentary lapse that ended their life doesn't negate God's faithfulness to them.
If we are faithless, God remains faithful. 2 Timothy 2:13
Casting Blame for Suicide
Next, at a time like this, you might be tempted to cast blame. It’s only natural. When tragedy strikes, your brain looks for a cause. It looks for a reason. It wants to make sense of it all by trying to connect the dots. And so you look for someone to blame. It might be the deceased, or their family or friends. It might be you or even God.
Jesus was blamed once for a death. Jesus’ friend, Lazarus, died. Lazarus’ sister blamed Jesus saying,
"Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." John 11:32
Jesus understood her pain and John (the writer) tells us that Jesus wept.
We all weep at a time like this because it doesn’t make sense. There is no good reason. And we understand how painful it is for everyone. So it's futile to look for a reason to blame someone. The truth is that this person fell into a dark place for a moment and they made a regretful decision that they couldn’t take back.
If you’ve ever suffered from depression, you understand how it can suffocate you and wipe out all reason. It clouds your thinking.
I recently read about a woman who tried to end her life. She put it like this:
I wanted to live. I just didn’t know how to live anymore.
I think those words are true for many people. Suicide happens when someone makes a permanent decision during a passing moment of despair. For us to experience this kind of loss is painful enough. Don’t make it worse by casting blame.
We have experienced a great loss...a huge shock to our system. We all need to seek healing, not to assign blame. Blaming drives us apart, isolating us, only adding to the pain. That’s the last thing that’s needed right now. What’s needed is to come together. God wants to come into the tragedy of suicide and bring something good...something healing...to all the pain. One of the ways he does this is by bringing people together.
Let God Have the Last Word
After Jesus wept, he raised Lazarus from the dead. Death didn’t have the last word for Lazarus. Jesus had the last word. Jesus wants to have the last word in our lives as well. The apostle Paul promised this to followers of Jesus:.
...the trumpet will sound, and then the dead will come back to life. They will be changed so that they can live forever. This body that decays must be changed into a body that cannot decay. This mortal body must be changed into a body that will live forever. When this body that decays is changed into a body that cannot decay, and this mortal body is changed into a body that will live forever, then the teaching of Scripture will come true: "Death is turned into victory! Death, where is your victory? Death, where is your sting?" 1 Corinthians 15:52-55
The resurrection of the dead takes the sting out of death. That is fantastic... but it’s in the future. God wants to do something special in the present. So, what if the death of your loved one was the inspiration for you to live life to the fullest? What if it was the inspiration to love others more than you have ever loved before? What if their passing was the inspiration to help others?
Honoring the Life of Your Loved One
The greatest thing you can do to honor suicide victims is to live your best life from here on out. You could build a monument in their memory, but that wouldn’t change anything. You could visit their grave site, but that wouldn’t change anything either.
But what if everyone who knew the deceased decided to make an impact for good in their name? You might support a child in another country in their name. You might serve the homeless in your town, in their name. You might go on a mission trip in their memory. Maybe you could pick a cause that they were passionate about and adopt that same cause yourself. You might even start a non-profit organization in their memory.
You see, instead of associating their death with a tragedy, why not associate it with all the good that their life inspired. What a gift that would be to the memory of the deceased as well as their family. Wouldn’t the family love to hear about all the good being done in the name of their loved one? That would foster so many good feelings and memories.
When I pass away and I’m looking down on all my friends and family, I don’t want to see anyone moping around, giving up on life because I’m gone. I hope my death inspires people to live a deeper life...a fuller life. I’m sure that’s what everyone is thinking from the other side of the grave. That would be the greatest tribute that anyone could give me.
My point is: Don’t let death have the final word. Let God have the final word and allow him to speak life into your pain. Now is a time to grieve, and grief takes time. Understood. But in time, God wants to bring something beautiful out of the ashes. That can be your life. I hope you will commit to living that life today.