Deep Hurt, Deep Healing: The Look of Shame

Deep Hurt, Deep Healing

… the look of shame

This is Part Two in my series on Deep Hurt, Deep Healing. In Part One, I looked at the source of shame with a new twist on Adam and Eve that you may not have thought about. Today I will draw from some insights gained from Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly helping us to understand the look of shame.

The Feel of Shame

Shame is a powerful emotion. Brene Brown quotes a number of people who described how shame felt to them:      

Shame is getting laid off and having to tell my pregnant wife.

Shame is having someone ask me, “When are you due?” when I’m not pregnant.

Shame is hiding the fact that I’m in recovery.

Shame is raging at my kids. Shame is bankruptcy.

Shame is my boss calling me an idiot in front of the client.

Shame is not making partner.

Shame is my husband leaving me for my next-door neighbor.

Shame is my wife asking me for a divorce and telling me that she wants children, but not with me.

Shame is my DUI. Shame is infertility.

Shame is telling my fiancé that my dad lives in France when in fact he’s in prison.

Shame is Internet porn. Shame is flunking out of school. Twice.

Shame is hearing my parents fight through the walls and wondering if I’m the only one who feels this afraid. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly.

We All Deal With Shame

Shame haunts some of us every day. Others of us live with it for only a few moments after we experience failure or the fear of potential failure. But everyone deals with shame. It’s part of the human condition. That’s why the Bible says that we ALL fall short of the glory of God. We are all missing that spark that we had in the beginning of creation. It’s just a fact. No one can escape it no matter how hard they try.

The Fear of Shame

Shame fills us all with the same fear: the fear of being exposed. We fear our weaknesses being exposed, then being judged and then rejected. So we will do anything to prevent that rejection. That’s why Adam and Eve hid from God. They were sitting there thinking: We can’t believe it. We totally blew it.  And now look at us. What good are we to God? How can he ever use us? Genesis tells us:

Then the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” Genesis 3:9,10

How We Manage Our Shame

Adam and Eve didn’t know how to handle their shame, so they did what most people do: they covered it up.  Today, we call that “denial.” Denial is when you don’t want to face your nakedness, and so you find a way to avoid it.

Brene Brown references a book called, Our Inner Conflicts, that offers a nice concise three-point overview of how we attempt to manage our shame. Consider which of these you do.

We Manage Our Shame by MOVING AWAY.

That means you hide. You withdraw. You become secretive and maybe even lie to hide who you really are from others. Moving away might mean you escape into an addiction, or your work, or religion, or exercise, etc. That’s what Adam and Eve did. They moved away. They didn’t want God to see what they had done and who they’d become.

We Manage our Shame by MOVING TOWARD.

You move toward people and try to please them. You hope that if you can keep people happy that they will overlook your flaws. You become the consummate people pleaser or caretaker, someone who can’t say “no” to anyone for fear of upsetting them and being rejected.

People who “move toward” are a soft touches, giving away money to people who ask, or picking up after people, or rescuing people, or letting people take advantage of them because they hope they will receive the acceptance they crave.

We Manage Our Shame by MOVING AGAINST.

You move against people with your anger. You hope your anger will keep people from getting too close to you and see who you really are. When confronted, you are quick to defend yourself and go on the offensive, pushing people away from you. You’d rather that people hate you for being a jerk than reject you for being weak.

The Look of Shame in You

We all do at least one of these, if not all of them. For me, I tend to default to moving away and moving against. But the questions I leave you with today are:What is the look of shame in you? What tactics do you use to prevent being exposed in your weaknesses?

In my next post I'll start to look at what it is God did to heal the pain of our shame.

To learn more about shame from a faith-based perspective you might want to check out my book "Healing the Hurts of Your Past." I encourage you to read the reviews from people who have read it.

Subscribe to readingremy.com on the Home Page and you will receive the first chapter to my book, STUCK… how to overcome anger, forgive, and reclaim your life.