Abusive Pastors, Understanding Why They Do What They Do
Abusive Pastors
…understanding why they do what they do.
If you've been subjected to spiritually abusive pastors or leaders, you might wonder how that is even possible. Aren’t spiritual leaders supposed to be the ones who have their lives together? After all, how can they lead you into a healthy relationship with God if they don’t have one themselves?
Abusive Pastors: why they do what they do.
According to NetCE,[i] there are three primary traits that cause people to spiritually abuse others:
Abusive pastors may have narcissistic traits/tendencies, resulting from a deep insecurity.
For many who spiritually abuse, having spiritual knowledge to hold over people becomes a way to meet their need for inner security or self-esteem.
Abusive pastors may have a genuine belief that they are doing "the right thing.”
Many who act out in spiritually abusive ways genuinely believe they have found some type of "answer" and desire to share it with others, likely unaware of the subconscious insecurities that drive them. They have no intent to harm. In fact, the opposite. They are motivated to help.
Abusive pastors may have skills in the language of love, emotions, trust, and intimacy.[ii]
In other words, they have innate relational skills that make them so persuasive that people naturally fall under their spell but the pastor doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to manage this phenomena. Instead he/she uses this dynamic to take advantage of people.
These three traits create the perfect storm of spiritual abuse. It starts with insecurity. In my opinion, shame is at the heart of the abusive pastor's insecurity and narcissistic behavior. Shame is an inner gnawing that convinces them that they don’t measure up. Their deep sense of inadequacy is then transformed when they find the "truth," which causes them to find adequacy in their deep insight and power over people.
Abusive Pastors are Well-intentioned Dragons
Coming to faith can set you free, but it can also be misused to justify your much-needed sense of worth. Your new faith can cause your shame to seize the opportunity to exalt yourself over others. But you don't see what you are doing. You think you are helping people find the truth like you did. Sadly, your leadership is tainted from the beginning.
Abusive pastors are often well-intentioned dragons, forcing their will on people thinking they are doing people a favor. When people resist, the pastor doesn't think he/she is at fault. It's the person's lack of faith or spiritual interest. So, the pastor either increases his/her control over their member or dismisses them as unworthy.
In their classic book on spiritual abuse, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, authors Johnson and Van Vonderen make this observation:
There are spiritual systems in which…the members are there to meet the needs of the leaders… These leaders attempt to find fulfillment through the religious performance of the very people whom they are there to serve and build. This is an inversion of the body of Christ. It is spiritual abuse. (p.23)
It's sad to see people use spiritual leadership to meet their own emotional needs.
Confronting Abusive Pastors
In my book, Broken Trust, I suggest that if you are being spiritually abused, you should either confront your abusive leadership or leave the church. Unfortunately, it's often very hard to confront abusive pastors because they rarely see their faults and are very defensive when confronted.
Converge Magazine wrote an excellent article looking at the ministry of a nationally known spiritual leader and why he needed to be confronted.
The greatest difficulty in ministering to abusers is this: they don’t believe there is anything really wrong with them. Their skills at self-deception, combined with their distortions of thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes, fortifies them against recognizing their soul sickness.[i]
If you are waiting for a spiritually abusive leader to see their sin and change, you might be waiting a long time.
Helping Abusive Pastors
In Broken Trust, I include an entire section to help pastors dismantle their spiritually abusive church. Some pastors are evil. But many pastors stumble into abuse for a variety of reasons...as I mentioned, often related to their shame. They are no different from well-intentioned parents whose poor leadership ends up hurting their children.
If you are suffering under the ministry of an abusive pastor, I hope you will confront him/her. But if you can't confront, then I hope you will leave their ministry. One way or another, they need to get the message that their tactics are hurting people.
This post was adapted from Broken Trust...a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse. You might also be interested in a coaching session with me to help you find the best next steps in dealing with an abusive pastor. The first 15 minute meeting is free.
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