Seven Steps To Help The Hurting
What to say to Those Who Are Hurting
…and what NOT to say
When your friends are hurting, do you know what, and what not, to say? Rather than offering words of healing, it’s easy to put our foot in mouths and cause more hurt. In this post I want to give you seven ideas on how to help people who are hurting.
When Bad News Happens
Imagine that a friend drops some big news on you. Bad news. They are getting divorced. They've got cancer. Their mother just died. Their teenager was just arrested for drugs. They lost their job.
It's going to happen. Are you prepared? Do you know what to say?
Seven Steps to Help the Hurting
Here are seven ideas to help you know what to do and say (and not say):
Listen without any distractions.
Turn off the tv and your phone. Don't let your kids interrupt. If you can't avoid being interrupted, then tell your friend that you want to give them your full attention so you need to schedule a better time.
Dial into their emotion.
Bad news strikes at our fear of losing control. It might also undermine our sense of worth if the loss has to do with being rejected (divorce, fired from job, etc.). Dialing into those emotions will give you empathy for what your friend is experiencing. The pain isn't just from the loss itself but from what the loss means to their identity… what it means for their future.
Don’t share clichés, even if they are from the Bible.
This is harder than it sounds. Profound truths will pop into your mind… a book you just read, a sermon you once heard, etc. and so you might be tempted to think that God gave you wisdom for the moment! Probably not. Wisdom just listens.
So don't say any of the following: It’s all a part of God’s plan, God won’t give you any more than you can handle, There’s a reason for everything, You need to just let go and let God. When someone dies, don't say; God takes the people he loves the most, or God needed another angel, or They are in a better place now. These aren’t helpfu.
Don’t correct them, even if they need correcting.
Sometimes your friends' bad news is a direct result of their poor choices. Bite your tongue. That's not the time to show cause and effect. It's not a teachable moment, so don't try. If you do, you might lose a friend. They will be waiting to see if you seize the moment to preach at them or love them. So love them. You might get a chance later to share your wisdom...if they ask for it.
Ask people what kind of space they need to process their pain.
Everyone's different. What comforts one person, offends another. I've learned this as a pastor. It's frustrating. I've found the best thing is to just ask people: How can I help you right now? Would you like to meet to talk or would you just like some space to process this on your own?
Affirm your commitment to stand with them.
One of the most powerful verses in the Bible is when God tells us that he will never leave us or forsake us. You see, one of our greatest fears is that we'll be alone. Abandoned. Left to face the world by ourselves. So let your friend know that you will stand with them through their pain. It doesn't mean you will agree with everything they do, but you will stand with them.
Offer to help in a specific way.
People often tell a hurting person; If you need anything, just call. Odds are, they won't. They don't know what they need. Having to think of something and then call you is just work. So identify a need and just do it, like, mow their lawn. If you know them well, offer to pick up their kids or shop for them. This will be a huge relief.
Hurting people are an opportunity for you to show God's love in a powerful way. Don't run from it. But don't run to them unprepared either, causing a relationSLIP.
When you were hurting, how did someone help you? I’d love to hear back from you in the comments or through email.
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