Anger and Secondary Losses - Day 12

Anger and Secondary Losses

Day 12…from setback to comeback

I am nearing the one-third mark on our 40-day journey from setback to comeback. Today I’m going to explore the anger in our exile.

I can tell by the clicks that many people have picked up the series in the last week but you aren't starting from the beginning. Go back!  I just think it will all make a lot more sense and you'll get so much more out of it.

The Primary and Secondary Losses of Anger

There’s something I want you to see about anger and loss that might help you. Whenever you suffer a loss there is a primary loss and a secondary loss.

For example...do you ever lose your car keys? Of course you do. Well, I do. I hope I'm not the only one.  It drives me crazy. I get so mad. Once, after losing and finding my keys, I stopped and asked myself why that is. I mean, I know I will find them eventually (usually in my pocket). They are obviously in the house. Why the fuss? What's the big deal?

What is a Secondary Loss of Anger?

I realized that I get so mad because of the secondary losses. The secondary losses are those losses that come as a result of losing my car keys.  For example: I didn't just lose the keys. I lost time looking for them.  Now I’m late. That leads to more loss.

Because I’m late, I lose my calm, relaxed manner. Now I’m on edge. When I finally do find my keys, I drive faster, which might end in a ticket. Now I lose money.

When I finally walk into work late I might lose respect. People might say…Remy’s late …again…I can never count on him.

Simple analogy, but do you see what I’m saying about secondary losses?  It’s not just losing your keys that’s so upsetting. It’s all the other losses that come with the loss of keys, real or imagined. If I had to assign responsibility for my emotion, I'd say that only 20% of my anger has to do with the lost keys (primary loss) and 80% has to do with the losses associated with the keys (secondary loss).

Secondary Losses Are Invisible

Now, take that and apply it to what I've said about the bigger losses in life that lead to exile: loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a dream, etc.  Each of these events, on their own, is painful. But they represent only 20% of the real issue.

The real issues many people never see. They are invisible. They see the "car keys." They don't see the other losses associated with the car keys. So they spend their time lamenting the keys, blaming the keys, asking God to give them new keys, etc.  

But the "keys" are not the issue. Helping you regain your "keys" isn't what God is after. He's after something much deeper in us… something, that if not addressed, will cause you to stay in exile. Whether you see this or not will determine if you ever make it out of exile or not.

I'll take this thought deeper over the next few days. But start thinking about the secondary losses in your life. What are they? (You might want to read an older post called "The Anger Behind the Anger")

This 40-day journey is adapted from my book, Return from Exile.

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