This is Day Ten in our 40 - day journey out of exile… from set back to comeback.* Remember that “exile” is a metaphor for the place you land after any kind of loss, failure, or personal setback.

Today I’m looking at something that keeps us stuck in exile: denial. When faced with a significant loss it’s easy to deny the emotions of anger, fear and sadness that come as a result of our loss.

Denying the Emotions of Loss

Anger, fear, and sadness operate like a Band of Brothers. It's almost impossible to have one without the other. That's why it's important to learn to identify them in your life and have a plan to deal with each one.

Unfortunately, the quick solution to these emotions is denial. Feel bad? No problem. Just immerse yourself in behavior that drowns out the noise of these emotions. We've all been there.

The Look of Denial

Denial looks different to different people.

Socially Acceptable Denial

Denial can be socially acceptable when you work too much, over-indulge in hobbies or exercise, or "social" drinking.

Socially Unacceptable Denial

For other people, exile brings such strong disillusionment and pain that they feel justified in throwing off any inhibitions they once had. If life suddenly doesn't make sense, then why bother trying to live a good life?

That's why we are often shocked at the revelations of secret lifestyles of people who were once known for their integrity and moral influence. You see, for some people, sin leads them into exile. For others, exile is what leads them to sin.

Denial By Minimizing

But I think the most prominent form of denial is simply the minimizing of losses. Spiritual people do this effortlessly because we have Bible based clichés ready to do the job.

What do we say when confronted with loss? I'm just trusting the Lord. The Lord gives and he takes away. You can fill in your own personal favorite.

The problem with clichés isn't that they are untrue. The problem is they shutdown the thinking and grief process. You should absolutely trust in the Lord. He will bring you through your loss. BUT, it still hurts. It's still a loss. It’s important to acknowledge that loss, admit the impact it has had on you, and give yourself permission to feel terrible about it for a season. That's not un-Christian. That's being human. God made us human. It's okay. It's necessary.

Denial stunts the grief process.

Denial Sours Your Life

Many people trivialize their loss and then it sits in their heart rotting for years, souring the person on life. They become bitter and jaded, not even realizing their negative outlook on life.

You don’t want to be this kind of person, so I hope you will start to ask yourself what the losses are that you have and then what emotions you have in response to the losses.

Once you do that, then share what you see with a friend or significant other, a counselor, and especially God. This will start the process of getting out of exile. God wants to bring you out of your emotionally exile but you have to face it first.

What are some ways you have denied your losses?

What are some clichés you use to minimize your loss?

This 40-day journey is adapted from my book, Return from Exile.

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* Use the search bar below to find other posts in this series. Search for the word “day” or “loss.”

Denying Your Loss - Day Ten