In my previous post I talked about how shame leads to becoming offended, defensive, and ultimately to becoming offensive. In this post I want to look deeper into what it takes to not be offended with some wisdom from Henri Nouwen.

You Can’t Be Offended if You Have Nothing to Defend

In his book, You Are the Beloved, Nouwen speaks about the value of solitude, that is, setting apart time to be alone with God. Solitude is less about drawing away from people and more about drawing close to God to find his heart and mind. In solitude we empty ourselves of our fears, prejudices, opinions, affinities, and judgments which provides space from something better. He said:

In true solitude there is an unlimited space for others because we are empty. In this poverty nobody stands over and against us, because our enemy is only our enemy as long as we have something to defend. But when we have nothing to hold on to or protect, when we have nothing we consider exclusively ours, then nobody will threaten us. Rather, in the center of our solitude we meet all men and women as brothers and sisters.

Do You Have Something to Defend?

Our enemy is only our enemy as long as we have something to defend. Think about the last time you were offended. The offense came because someone broke through your defenses and “took” something from you. It may have been physical, maybe they borrowed your lawn mower without asking and forgot to return it. Or, more likely, what they “took” was your respect or dignity. They said something or did something that made you feel small or unacceptable. You felt attacked or rejected, and therefore, wounded.

But Nouwen would say, “No one can offend you if you don’t cling to anything.” More accurately, if you don’t look for your sense of worth and value from your politics, opinions, philosophies, etc. then whatever people may say about you can’t hurt you. They can’t take anything from you because your value comes from the fact that God created you and God loves you. Nothing can change that.

In his book, Life of the Beloved, Nouwen said:

“The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: ‘These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself.”

Free to Love

If you have nothing to defend, that is…when your sense of worth and value are anchored in something/Someone eternal, something/Someone unchangeable, then you are secure and free to love people regardless of how they treat you. “We meet all men and women as brothers and sisters.”

Many Christians today have failed to see this. They find their worth in being “right,” having the right politics and the right theology, and are willing to fight for it even at the expense of others. They frame things as culture wars, good vs. evil, liberal vs. conservative and complain about cancel culture when their job is to love the people of this world and show them who Jesus is by their actions and attitudes.

Dead Men Can’t Be Offended

The apostle Paul showed us the proper attitude. The Message version of the Bible relates his words like this…

I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Paul was saying that his life wasn’t anchored in his ego… making himself look good before others. In fact, he died to that kind of thinking. Instead, his value and worth were anchored in the life that God gave him. He could no longer be offended by others because that man was “dead.”

People could say what they wanted about Paul, attack him with words or stones. It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t attack back because he had nothing to defend. 

A Life Hidden in God

Henri Nouwen and Paul set a high bar. You might say, “That’s impossible. I could never do that. I HAVE to defend myself and the truth.” But if you have died to your need to have people affirm you and agree with you… if God is the source of your worth…if you understand that your role is not to defend the truth but to live it, then there is no reason to be offended. There is no need to declare an enemy and fight. Your life is hidden in God. You are free to love.

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