I hear from a lot of people about how spiritually abusive their church is. But many people have a hard time leaving it. Why is it so hard leave a toxic church? If the church is clearly in the wrong, it seems like leaving the church would be the obvious thing to do. 

But if you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship, you know how hard it can be to leave. 

Why is that? Here are ten reasons.

Ten Reasons Why People Fail to Leave A Toxic Church:

1. You don’t want to be accused of being rebellious. 

Spiritually abusive leaders make you feel like disagreeing with them is equal to questioning God. And we all know that bad things happen to people who question God, right? At least that’s what they want you to think. You don’t want to be labeled a rebel, or having a “rebellious spirit.” 

2. You are full of self-doubt. 

Abusive leaders make you feel like YOU are the problem. They say things like,

 “The reason you disagree with me is because you aren’t as spiritually mature as I am. You need to trust my leadership and submit to my authority like the Bible tells you to do.” 

They flip the discussion upside down and before you know it, you are asking for their forgiveness when it should be the other way around.

3. You fear losing your circle of friends. 

Sometimes we tolerate an unhealthy community simply because that’s where our friends and family are. The peer pressure to stay can be overwhelming. 

When given the choice of speaking the truth and losing your community, or staying quiet but keeping your community, the community often wins out.

4. You don’t want to lose your equity investment. 

What I mean is that you’ve invested so much time and energy into your church through the years that you don’t want to lose that investment. It feels like wasted time. 

So you stay a little longer, hoping it will eventually work.  

5. You like to be liked and needed. 

A legalistic system can be very rewarding. You might feed off of the praise you get for performing well. Or maybe you simply can’t handle the thought of people not liking you if you leave the community. Your low self-worth and need to please keep you trapped. 

6. You fear being wrong and losing your salvation. 

You might think that your group is spiritually off track and even abusive, but what if you're wrong? You fear that YOU might be the problem like they say you are. You’re not sure it’s worth the risk. This self-doubt causes you to do nothing about your concerns. 

7. You fear exposure, humiliation, and physical harm. 

You know that, if you leave, members of the congregation will trash your name and reputation. Sometimes even worse. You’ve seen it happen to others who left, and you don’t want it to happen to you.  

8. You fear not making it on your own.

Even though you know your spiritual leaders are wrong, you fear falling away from God without their strong input into your life. You’re not sure you can make it on your own. 

9. You lack boundaries. 

Maybe you were raised to believe that people had the right to impose their thoughts, beliefs, and will upon you. You don’t feel like it’s your right to question others or resist their power. You're used to being violated in this way. You feel powerless, and so you let the abuse continue. 

And the final reason you might not confront abusive leaders or leave an abusive church is because…

10. You believe God met you in that church.

There was a moment or moments when you KNOW that God showed up in a sermon, the music, a prayer, or a counseling session. This is strong proof to you that God is in your church and/or leadership. So how can you leave? The leaders will even remind you of this.

I don’t doubt that you may have had a God moment in an abusive church, but don’t take that as a justification to stay. Rather, see it as God’s grace and goodness showing up in the middle of abuse. He wanted to show you that he loves you and he’s with you. But that doesn’t mean that you should stay. It doesn’t excuse the abuse.

Please Do Something

If you see yourself in any of these ten reasons, just realize that you are not alone. These are common reasons why people stay in toxic churches and abusive relationships. My hope in pointing out these reasons is that you’ll find the courage to fight against your natural tendency to stay and be quiet. 

I want to encourage you to DO something. 

FYI… I created two videos that cover this topic. I posted them below.

If you’d like to learn more about how to recover from a spiritually abusive church be sure to check out my book Broken Trust. A recent reader said this about the book, 

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced any type of spiritual abuse or church hurt. The book is excellent from beginning to end …Broken Trust deals with all of the issues along with solutions on how to go through the healing process. You can read almost 200 reviews on Amazon.com

You can read over 200 reviews of Broken Trust on Amazon.com, available on Kindle, paperback and audiobook.

Click the Home Page button to learn more about my books, videos, and coaching. When you subscribe to readingremy.com you will receive the first chapter to my book, STUCK, a look at how to overcome your anger and forgive those who have hurt you.

If you’d like to see a video of NINE reasons people fail to leave, you can watch it here. I added the tenth reason in a separate video.