If you’ve found yourself in the middle of an abusive church or an abusive relationship, you’ve probably asked yourself, “How did this happen? Where did things go so wrong? Why didn’t I see this coming?”

There are probably many answers to these questions, but one answer is that you lacked the boundaries necessary to protect yourself from the abuse. That doesn’t excuse your abuser from what they did. They took advantage of your trust. That’s why I called my book, Broken Trust. For a variety of reasons, you gave your offender more trust than they deserved. Somehow, they convinced you that they were worthy of your trust. But they fooled you and then betrayed your trust.

Misplaced Trust

It happens so easily. Especially in a spiritual setting like a church. You go to a church or a Bible study or to some kind of spiritual leader because you want to hear from God. Inherent to your search is an openness, Right? I mean, you have to be open to new things if you are seeking God.

But this is the first mistake. Your openness to God can easily be transferred to the church or person in power. You see them as being your potential connection to God so you open yourself up to them without vetting them. You assume the best about them. So, without them doing anything, they have a certain amount of access to your heart. And they know that.

Then, when they start to apply some level of control over you, you think, “Well, I guess if this is what it takes to find God. Okay. It’s a little uncomfortable, but I think that’s what I need, to get out of my comfort zone.  I need to risk a little to get what I came for.” Besides, you look around and other people are complying and they aren’t complaining, so it seems like the right thing to do.

And so it goes… little by little the control of your life is given/taken over and the abuse begins as you lose yourself to the power of the leader and the group.

Why You Stay In The Abuse

Now, if the experience was all bad, you’d probably get out right away, but there’s usually enough good happening to convince you to stay. There is the new community of friends, or the quasi-religious experiences you may have. There are new insights gained from the teachings, as well as the stories of life change from the other believers. All of these positives outweigh the negatives… until they don’t. And then you get this sinking feeling, like… what have I done? How did I get here? And more importantly… how do I get out of here?

Insert Boundaries Here

And so, if you are looking to enter a new church or spiritual setting, be aware of this natural progression of events and put some boundaries in place. It's a good thing to be open to God. It’s his people you have to be careful with. Don’t assume they are trustworthy. Make them earn your trust before you commit to anything.

Remember, it’s up to THEM to build your trust FIRST. You only want to put your trust in someone who has proven themselves trustworthy, just like you only want to walk on a frozen lake if you are sure that it can support your weight. (Maybe lakes don’t freeze where you live. But they do in Minnesota!)

This is why setting boundaries is so important. But most people aren’t very good at setting boundaries.

Just say “No” and see what happens.

How do you do that? Well, when church people want you to jump in and get involved or give money, don’t… at least at first. That’s a boundary. Then see how people react. Are they accepting of you? Or do they start to apply pressure to get you to join or give? That’s a big tell. If they do that, they have crossed your boundary. Take note.

When I was a pastor, I’d always tell new attenders to go slow. Look before you leap. Take time to get to know the church before you volunteer or give money. You don’t want to have any regrets. That was my way of communicating to people that I respected their decisions and I didn’t want to impose myself on them.

You see, there’s no rush for you to get involved. The church will still be there in a few months. So go slow. 

Do the Research

Another thing you can do, before you engage, is check them out. Do a little research. Read through the church website. They should have something online about their history and their beliefs. If they don’t, that’s a concern.

Make sure everything you read lines up with what you know to be true. If you aren’t sure, ask someone you trust who’s not a part of the church. You can also read reviews of the church on Google or do a search on Google for any information that might show a dark side.

Let Them Build Your Trust

If your research checks out, that’s great. But still be careful. Depending on the size of the church, it could take a year or two before you get a true sense of the integrity of the leadership. So be sensitive to what’s being asked of you. If it doesn’t feel right, give yourself permission to not engage.

And again, observe how you are treated when you don’t engage. If you get pressured, my guess is that it’s not a healthy place to be. Tell people how you feel. Maybe they’ll apologize and back off. Don’t assume evil intent. But if they justify their behavior and try to guilt you into increasing your commitment, head for the exits.

Know When To Walk Away (And Know When to Run!)

I don’t gamble, but I’ve heard people say that if you gamble, you need to set an amount of money that you are willing to lose and when you hit that number, walk away.

There’s wisdom there for entering a new church. If you get involved in any church or non-profit, there will be a certain amount of acceptable loss in terms of volunteer hours and donating money. But it’s wise to determine in advance how much you are willing to give. If you find yourself sucked into a vortex where you are giving way beyond what you intended, you need to walk away. Or at least take a break and reset before you reengage.

I’m often surprised by people who write me complaining about the abuse in their church but they have no intention of leaving. I don’t understand that. But they lack the ability to set that boundary.

More Resources

Well, there is so much more I could say about boundaries. I’ve written a lot about both boundaries and spiritual abuse here on my website as well as in videos on YouTube. Plus there’s my book, Broken Trust. I hope you’ll use all these resources to help you find the right place to grow your relationship with God.

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