In my book, Broken Trust, I talk about what makes for a toxic, and even abusive, church environment. As a result, I’m often asked how to create a positive church culture. My simple answer is: words matter. Every word matters, as well as the tone in which they are given.

Words Matter: Tone and Impact

I don’t think churches often realize their tone. Too often, church leaders think that God’s word is self-evident and it simply needs to be proclaimed and followed. They are tone-deaf to how their words fall on people. They fail to realize that most people come into church with a variety of hurts and stressors. God’s word is counter-cultural and it takes time to absorb God’s way before one chooses to make a life change and comply. They shouldn’t expect people to simply “fall in line.”

Given this, it’s important for pastors and church leaders to embed every aspect of their communication (sermons, website, announcements, emails, etc.) with the right words and tone if they want to create a compelling culture that attracts others. 

Let me give you three categories of words that will determine your church culture.

Demands vs. Suggestions

Many preachers think that the Bible, and their spiritual position as pastor, gives them the right to make demands of people. They lay out lofty expectations for their members, feeling justified because they back up their demands with scripture, not realizing that their tone is off-putting.

Many years ago, I wrote a paper helping people to find God’s will for their lives. I gave it to a friend in church to review. He told me that he liked the paper but I used the word “must” a lot. Like, you “must” do this and you “must” do that in order to know God’s will. He said there was a better way to make my point without demanding that people comply with my advice. Being young and arrogant, I quickly dismissed his advice as naive because I was convinced that there was no other way to find God’s will than how I had laid it out. 

He was right, of course. 

Today I rarely speak (I hope) with such arrogance. Instead, I will make suggestions for people, such as, “It’s important to consider” or “keep in mind” or “think about this,” etc. Whenever you demand something from someone you eliminate their ability to decide for themselves and make their own choice. It might be rewarding to see people obey your commands but you are robbing them of their ability to seek God for themselves. You have now become the arbiter of truth, standing between them and God.

Jesus said that he didn’t come to lay a heavy “yoke” on people, that is, a long religious “to-do” list. He said, 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus came to lift people up with his words, not lay a heavy burden on them like the religious leaders of his day. We would do well to follow his lead.

Challenges vs. Encouragement

I like to be challenged. It’s part of my personality. When I was a salesperson I always exceeded my sales expectations. When I’m in the gym, I always want to add a little more weight. When I ride my bike, I want to go a little farther and increase my watts. 

But guess what? Not everyone is like me. It took me a few decades to learn that.

Way back in college, there was a Christian musician, Keith Green. His lyrics were very challenging. I loved him, as did many people. But I met a girl once who didn’t like him at all. I was shocked. How could this be? She said listening to him made her feel condemned, like she wasn’t measuring up in her faith. I thought there was something wrong with her, like she was weak in faith.

Fast forward a couple of decades. I gave my young teenagers a personality test and, to my surprise, I learned that they weren’t motivated by challenges like I am, but words of encouragement and empathy. What? But… my whole parenting approach was to challenge them to do hard things! Ugh.

My point here is that if a church’s approach is always about challenging people to do more, it will only appeal to a percentage of the congregation. Failure to realize this can create a toxic environment where people feel like their behavior/performance is never good enough while the overachievers congratulate themselves.

The Importance of Encouraging Words

I don’t know the numbers, but I would guess that most people are motivated by words of encouragement. You want to “catch them” doing good rather than always telling them how they can do more.

I think that might be one of the reasons that Jesus said that he didn’t come to condemn the world, but to save it (John 3:17). We naturally assume that God wants to prove us wrong, when that’s not true at all. He’s on our side and wants to lift us up.

Jesus showed this in what are known as his Beatitudes that begin his Sermon on the Mount. His followers were being rejected by the religious elite of his day, even persecuted according to Matthew because they weren’t living up to the religious expectations of the culture. To address this, Jesus told them: 

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Matthew 5:11

Why were they being persecuted? Because they had the audacity to be peacemakers in a religious world that preferred division. They chose humility and meekness over pride. And they chose purity over hypocrisy. Religious people didn’t like the disciples showing them up.

Jesus took the time to encourage them. He didn’t tell them to do more. He told them that God would bless them for their willingness to go against the grain of first century religion.

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:12

Jesus went on to tell his disciples that they were the light of the world and the salt of the earth. I’m sure they didn’t feel like light or salt. But he helped them to reframe their lives to see that they were doing better than it seemed.

That must have felt good, right? Instead of wanting to give up, they had renewed hope that they were on the right track and were motivated to press on.

The apostle Paul talked about the importance of encouraging words in his letter to an early church:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Don’t get me wrong. There is a place for challenging people. Just not all the time. Pick your moments. This advice isn’t just for church. It’s for the workplace and homelife too. 

Practical Tips for Positive Communication

Let me give you some examples of how demanding, challenging and encouraging might look in a typical church scenario: needing more volunteers for the nursery.

• Demanding: You’ve all heard that we need nursery workers but we can’t get anyone to sign up. So we are now requiring every member to sign up for at least one Sunday a month. Jesus said that he came to serve and so we expect everyone here to put in their service to the church.

• Challenging: I want to challenge you this morning to do something that will make a significant impact in our church. One of the greatest things we do every Sunday is offer a time of fun, worship and training for our children. Our volunteer team is changing lives. But right now we don’t have enough people to work with our kids. So I’d like you to consider making a  commitment to join our children one Sunday a month to help them come to know God and to free up their parents to enjoy the worship service.

• Encouraging: One of the best things that happens here every Sunday doesn’t happen here in the Sanctuary. It happens in our Children’s Center. Every week we have twelve people committed to helping our kids. YOUR kids, come to know God and each other better and I just want to take a minute to thank those volunteers and celebrate what God is doing in the lives of our children. We have two opportunities for people to join this team right now.  If you’d like to make a difference in the lives of our Children, our Children's Director will be in the lobby to answer your questions about how you might join this team.

Words Matter

Do you see the difference? Words matter. How you say something speaks volumes. It wouldn’t hurt to run a sermon, or newsletter, an announcement, or an email through ChatGPT and ask it to rewrite your words with a more encouraging tone and see what it says. You might be surprised at what you learn. 

Monitoring your words and tone will help to build a positive church culture that people want to join. When people are affirmed for doing well and challenged to live into their calling as God’s people, it creates a compelling environment where people can thrive. This is the kind of environment where church members will want to invite their friends.

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