Church Abuse: Why "Matthew 18" May Not Apply to Confronting Pastors
A Common Story
Sarah clutched the phone, her heart pounding against her ribs after speaking with her pastor. For years, Pastor Thomas' comments had felt off, but now they were undeniable. Fear coiled in her stomach. Something was wrong. She knew she had to do something… to say something. But she didn’t feel comfortable confronting her pastor. But if she didn’t, she knew what some in the church would say: "Did you follow Matthew 18?"
The verse weighed heavy on her, like a weapon used to silence her concerns. But it felt like people were misusing Matthew 18. It spoke of confronting a "brother or sister" in sin, not a powerful leader protected by layers of staff and elders.
Back then, churches were simpler, shepherds tending their flocks. Now, with mega-churches and full-time staff, the power dynamic was intimidating and unfair. Approaching Pastor Thomas felt like facing a lion in its den.
Suddenly, Sarah remembered a youth retreat where Jesus' love for the lost sheep was emphasized. Wouldn't a good shepherd chase after a hurting member? The answer was clear. She decided that confronting her pastor wasn't an option. It didn’t feel safe. Reaching out to a trusted friend outside the church felt daunting, but the alternative – silence – was unacceptable.
With a deep breath, Sarah messaged her friend. Sharing her story, the fear began to loosen its grip. Her friend listened, validated, and offered support. Together, they explored her options.
Considering Matthew 18
Sarah's story isn't unique. Many have been silenced by a misconstrued Matthew 18.
Abusive church leaders often dismiss a concern from a church member if the member doesn’t go to the pastor with their concern. They accuse the member of not following what Jesus said in “Matthew 18” and thereby disqualifying their complaint, often attacking them as rebellious, a gossip, or worse. And the abused is left feeling guilty and confused, like THEY are the one at fault.
So let’s take a brief look at the Bible text.
The Context of Matthew 18
It’s always wise to look at the context surrounding the verses in question. Matthew 18 starts by Jesus speaking on behalf of children. He doesn’t want anyone diminishing them.
Causing little ones to stumble…
In verse six he says:
“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6
The lost sheep…
Then Jesus speaks about the parable of the one sheep that might stray from a herd saying,
“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. ” Matthew 18:12-14
Understanding Matthew 18
The context of Matthew 18 is that someone has sinned and you need to go to that person who has sinned, whether the sin was against a child or it was the sin of some kind of “lost sheep.” Then Jesus addressed how you should approach someone when you see they have committed a sin…
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ Matthew 18:15,16
Jesus is speaking to the average believer confronting another average believer. It doesn’t say anything about confronting a pastor or elder in the church (Paul addresses this issue in 1 Timothy 5:19-21). But even if pastors were included in Jesus’ thoughts, you have to remember that churches in the New Testament were not formal organizations with full time staff like we have today. The power dynamics were much different, much less intimidating.
The Imbalance of Power
Why Matthew 18 May not Apply to Confronting Pastors
My point here is that it’s not fair to require someone who has suffered abuse by a present day pastor to confront that pastor following Matthew 18. There is a huge power imbalance in that scenario. The larger the church, the larger the imbalance.
I don’t believe Jesus had modern day churches and their pastors in mind when he was talking about confronting people in sin. If a person has the courage to confront a pastor, that is the best case scenario. Good for them. But I don’t think we should require someone to confront their abuser when there is a strong power imbalance and especially if the abuse is severe, such as sexual abuse.
Confronting your offender can re-traumatize you and if church leadership insists that you do so, it is another form of spiritual abuse, only making matters worse. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline puts it like this:
"Confronting an abuser can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. Many abusers deny or minimize their behavior, blame the victim, and continue the abuse. Survivors who confront their abuser without a safety plan or support may find themselves feeling invalidated or retraumatized, especially if the abuser responds with aggression or further manipulation."
I’m not giving people license to talk freely about their concerns with anyone who will listen. This is also destructive behavior. I simply believe that we need to take into consideration the dynamics of power and how they can work against the abused. There are healthier ways to address the problem.
Twisting Scripture
Using the words of Jesus to protect a leader from an accusation of sin is diabolical. Diabolical because it shields the guilty from addressing their sin, allowing it to grow and offend others. And it turns the accusation back on the abused, adding insult to their injury, who then have nowhere to turn. If the church rejects them and their concern, where do they go? How do they heal?
It’s a shameful use of scripture to manipulate others for the protection and benefit of the pastor when they should be protecting their people. It’s a complete contradiction to Jesus’ words about leaving the 99 on behalf of the one.
What You Can Do
I hope this brief article is an encouragement to you if you have been unjustly accused of not following Matthew 18. Find a safe person to share your concerns with who, in turn, can make your case for you or with you. That might be someone in the church, or it may be someone outside of the church, like a counselor, or even the police if the offense involves a legal issue.
When Your Trust is Broken
People join a church to learn more about God and find a community where they can serve others together. But there are times when a church culture can turn toxic and the trust you put in that church is broken. If this is your situation, you might want to read my book, Broken Trust. Amazon.com has over 200 reviews of the book that will help you decide if the book is right for you. For example, a recent person wrote:
This book is absolutely essential for anyone who has been traumatized and brokenhearted by someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the church! It reads like a diary narrative of what I and many friends experienced. I'm going to re-read and re-listen to it for the rest of my life! It gives hope to people after this type of experience, many of whom left the church and never came back. Many are still in therpy for years. Please read this book!! Read more reviews here.
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