Church Culture… At the church where I used to pastor, people often told me how accepting it felt. They told me that they had never experienced a church like it before (not that they don't exist). We worked hard to create this kind of accepting culture and the result is that it has attracted many people through the years.

I’ve been asked a number of times what the “secret sauce” was that helped us to grow. So this is my response to that question. Note to non-church leaders: the principals I lay out here are true in other relationships as well (parenting, friendships, business leadership, etc).

A Church Culture of Intimidation

To begin, it’s important to think like an outsider if you want to create a culture that welcomes outsiders. Many people resist the thought of church because they have the impression of church that they will be told what to do and how to think. They anticipate being pressured to give, guilted to volunteer, and intimidated to attend meetings.

In addition to this, people often assume that there is a narrow band of thought and behavior that is acceptable. It could be in dress, behavior, politics, belief, etc. The list is endless. The not-so-subtle message is that there is a right way to believe and behave and WE have the answer. It's suffocating.

It’s this impression of church that keeps people from ever crossing the threshold. Why would you want to subject yourself to this kind of soul crushing environment, especially when your motivation to attend a church is to know and experience God? I’ll take the God part but hold the judgment.

The interesting thing is, people might even want to do what they are being told to do, but the very fact that they feel manipulated or intimidated takes their free-will out of the equation. When they lose a sense of choice, it’s easy to disengage and even grow angry. It's only natural.

So with this awareness, it’s important for church leaders to bend over backwards to show that this is not who they are or want to be.

How to Create a Church Culture of Acceptance

To counteract this tendency it’s important to create emotional space where people feel free to think their own thoughts and feel that their ability to hear from God is respected. Here are a few ways to create this kind of space:

• Offer “opportunities” to give, believe, engage, etc. not requirements. The role of the church is to proclaim Good News, not force people to do what you want them to do. If you are truly preaching Good News people will want to engage.

• When you preach, present your ideas with passion but make it clear that people have to make their own decisions. Be careful with words like “you must” “you have to” “you need to.” People shut down when they feel like their choice is being taken from them. You always want people to believe, obey, and follow Jesus based on their free will, not a sense of guilt or obligation.

• When there is a range of thought on a subject, let people know that. People will respect you for trusting them to land on the right choice rather than you simply feeding them your view on the matter. If they later learn that there are other perspectives that you withheld, they will feel like you cheated them. Also, let people know that if they choose to believe differently than you, it’s okay. You will still love them and respect them. They won’t be judged or rejected for disagreeing. Invite them into a dialogue on the topic.

• When you ask for financial help, let people know that it's not required, especially from your guests. When my church had two capital campaigns we let people know that we only wanted people to give to the campaign who were excited to participate. We didn't want to build a building from money that was given out of intimidation, but rather, joy. And if we didn’t raise the necessary money, that was okay. It wasn’t a failure. It was God’s way of telling us not to build.

• When you need people to serve in various ways, let them know the positive impact their service will have. But never pitch the offer in a way that makes people feel like they HAVE to serve or the church will suffer for it. No idle threats like, "If you don't volunteer we'll have to close the nursery." Position your request in a way so people will want to serve.

• The same is true when announcing the start of small groups. Let people know that you are offering small groups to help grow their faith and develop community. But let people know that you realize life is busy and everyone has to decide for themselves if they can afford the time.

• Never pressure people to invite their friends to church. Instead, make your church service so compelling that people will want to invite their friends to church. If people get something out of your church they will naturally tell their friends.

• Never judge people for not attending a service or event. If people didn't make it to church because of bad weather, a busy schedule, or really nice weather (the beach was calling), let them know that that’s okay. In my church, I’d mention that I understood and I'd probably do the same if I wasn't the pastor!

• Never frame things as "God's will." That is, you need to obey, give, serve, join, show up, sacrifice, etc. because "God told us" or “If you are truly committed… love Jesus… etc. you’ll do what we say.” That's the cheapest form of casting vision. That's using God as a whip to drive people to do what you want. This robs people of their ability to choose and it’s demoralizing.

The idea in all of these suggestions is to take the pressure off the HUGE sense of obligation that people bring with them to church. People will quickly notice this shift in culture and will appreciate the sense of freedom. It will set you apart from many other churches and news will spread.

The Beauty of Choice

When you are given the choice to make your own decisions, it’s a beautiful thing. It's empowering. It dignifies people’s worth. It recognizes that people have a brain to think and a heart to hear from God directly without being told what to do. To always be told what to do is demeaning and robs people of the joy of being a cheerful giver.

The apostle Paul captured this so well when he was appealing to the first century Corinthian church for funds to help the Jerusalem church:

Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:7

A cheerful giver is someone who gives out of a heart of compassion and generosity, not obligation and drudgery.

The Benefits of Offering Freedom of Choice

If you've grown up in a church context where guilt and intimidation were the means to getting results, it can be a hard switch to make. But once you make the switch, you'll be surprised at the results.

• First, you'll notice that people want to be there.

• Second, you'll notice a fresh sense of joy.

• Third, participation will go up because the Spirit of God in your members WANTS to inspire people toward generosity. Intimidation quenches what the Spirit wants to do in us.

• Fourth, people will start inviting their friends.

But What If People Don’t Do What I Want Them to Do?

Now, the fear of creating a culture of choice is that no one will do what you want them to do. Your insecurity causes you to resort to manipulation and coercion to get your desired result. In your mind, you can't afford to trust people to do "the right thing."

But wait a minute...if no one does "the right thing," then maybe it isn't "the right thing," and you should know that. You might be forcing something to exist that God doesn't want. People's lack of commitment might be God's way of showing you his will. Or, it might mean that you have done a poor job of casting vision for what you believe is God's will. Rather than transfer the responsibility onto the people, put it on yourself to do a better job of casting vision so people WANT to engage.

Creating Culture At Home And Work

I've written this thinking of a church context, but parents, I hope you'll apply these principles to your parenting too. And business owners/managers, these same principles can be applied in the office or factory. Give people credit for the mind that they have and speak to them in a way that communicates you know they want to do what's best. If you cast an inspirational picture of who people can become, most of them will be quick to follow.

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