I recently read the book The Willpower Instinct, which I found to be very helpful. I'd like to share the highlights with you in two posts. This is part one.

The Benefits of Self-Control

To start, self-control is pretty amazing. Listen to what it has to offer:

People who have self-control are better off almost any way you look at it. They are happier and healthier. Their relationships are more satisfying and last longer. They make more money and go further in their careers. They are better able to manage stress, deal with conflict, and overcome adversity. They even live longer.

Self-control is a better predictor of academic success than intelligence..a stronger determinant of effective leadership than charisma, and more important for marital bliss than empathy...The Willpower Instinct, page 12

The Bible also has a lot to say about self-control:

Better a...person ... with self-control than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32

The apostle Paul said that self-control is part of what God gives us in his Spirit (Galatians 5:23) and Peter said it's something that ought to be ever-increasing in our life of faith (2 Peter 1:5-8).

Self-control may not be very sexy, but it will make you successful.

So, if self-control is so great then why do we often feel we have so little of it? Kelly McGonigal offers a number of reasons for that in The Willpower Instinct. I'll share four here that I call the Roadblocks to Self-Control.

Four Roadblocks to Self-Control

1. Lack of self-awareness.

We aren’t always aware of when we are in a weakened condition and therefore we are more vulnerable to caving into temptation. Here are some common experiences that we don’t always think about: you lack sleep, you’ve had too much to drink, you are distracted with too many inputs, you are hungry, tired, lonely, emotional (sad, angry, scared), or stressed under deadlines. If any of these are happening in your life, you are prone to falling into temptation. The problem is: we aren’t always aware of what’s going on. Research tells us:

The brain… is especially susceptible to temptation when we’re feeling bad…(going to the dentist, speaking in public, etc.)... stress increases the risk of relapse among smokers, recovering alcoholics, drug addicts and dieters...The Willpower Instinct, page 135

High stress means low self-control.

2. Failing to understand the temptation process.  

Today, we know the science behind temptation. It has a lot to do with a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine doesn’t make you feel good. Dopamine motivates you to seek a reward that you think will make you feel good.The Bible actually outlines the temptation process quite well. James told us:

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. James 1:14

We have a desire for something. Let’s say it’s a donut (or imagine your temptation). When you see a donut, or even just fantasize about a donut, dopamine is released into your brain motivating you to find a donut. Dopamine is not your friend at this point. Dopamine is what “entices us and drags us away, giving birth to sinful actions.”

Suddenly that donut doesn’t just look good, YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT. You are now on a mission. Your mind narrows its focus to achieving that task. We see this same experience lived out online with social media, or online shopping, or newsfeeds, or videogames. You keep clicking hoping to find happiness. It's addictive.

We are driven to chase pleasure, but often at the risk of our well-being. When dopamine puts our brains on a reward-seeking mission, we become the most risk-taking, impulsive, and out-of-control version of ourselves...When dopamine is released by one promise of reward, it also makes you more susceptible to any other kinds of temptation. The Willpower Instinct

It's helpful to understand that you actually have some biochemistry working against you so you know how to counteract it.

3. Moral Licensing

Moral licensing is when you give yourself permission to do something bad because you just did something good. People do this all the time with exercise. They exercise for 30 minutes and the rest of the day they reward themselves by overeating. That’s why most diets make people gain weight. It's not the diet's fault. It's the moral licensing that goes with it. For every two steps forward, we take three back. McGonigal gave this fascinating fact about moral licensing:

...if you go to a restaurant with healthy items on the menu, you are more likely to eat something fattening because you give yourself credit for being in a healthy restaurant. Page 92

In other words, we can justify just about anything.

4. Shame

When you’ve failed at self-control, it can cause you to totally give up. In your mind, why bother trying since you’ve already messed up so bad? And since shame depresses you, you naturally turn to a quick fix, which is usually what you just failed at.

The mistake we make here is lumping our behavior into good and bad categories.  When you think, “I’m bad...I haven’t been to the gym for a month,” you beat yourself up, punishing yourself for failing and thinking that it will motivate you to do better. But just the opposite is true.

If you think that the key to greater willpower is being harder on yourself, you are not alone. But you are wrong. Study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. It is also one of the single biggest predictors of depression [which drains your willpower]. The Willpower Instinct, page 148

With all these roadblocks to self-control, is there any hope for us? Well, self-control is something that God imparts to his followers by his Spirit. So that should offer much hope. But there are also some very simple and practical things you can do to help move you in that direction. I'll discuss these in my next post.

Subscribe to readingremy.com on the home page and you will receive the first chapter to my book, STUCK… how to overcome anger, forgive, and reclaim your life.