Seven Steps to Confronting Toxic Church People
In my previous post, I talked about toxic church people and the shame that drives them. These are people who take over small groups or conversations in the lobby with pet agendas, bad theology, or conspiracy theories. They are the flies in the soup that can spoil any and every event. They are a pastor’s nightmare because the pastor wants to be loving and accept all people but they realize that the toxic church member is ruining the experience for other people in the church.
This post is primarily directed at pastors and church leaders, but I think it’s good for everyone to think about this. You might want to send this post to your pastor! If you want to know how to confront a toxic pastor, see this post here.
So how do you confront "that guy”? Let me outline one approach.
Seven Steps To Confronting Toxic Church People
1. Assess the health of the toxic church member.
As I said before, the first step is to understand where this person is coming from. You have to discern if this person is emotionally and spiritually healthy. Are they credible? Often not. Please read yesterday's post to understand the shame factor and how it drives people's motives. Don't get sucked into their vortex. If they are truly toxic, you won’t be able to reason with them. You want to help them but not at the expense of the rest of the church.
2. Seek the Truth.
Before you dismiss the toxic person’s complaint or issue, ask God if there is any shred of truth to what they are saying. Not every mouthpiece for God is pure (myself included). There can be mixed motives. So you want to humbly be open to what you might learn from what the person has to say, even if it seems extreme at first. Can you strip the message from the messenger and find any truth?
3. Engage and contain the toxic person.
If your assessment is that they are toxic (and not just having a bad day) move to contain their toxin. I like the adage from Bill Hybels: If something feels funky, engage. We tend to ignore from toxic people hoping they'll just go away. Most likely they won't. Their agenda is bigger than you imagine. So don’t ignore the person. Move toward them and contain the toxin.
4. Take the toxic person offline.
Toxic people are looking for an audience. They will typically find an audience in a classroom, a business meeting, on social media, or in the church lobby. Some people incessantly ask questions or offer comments that bog down classes or meetings. Other people camp out in the lobby and pick people off one at a time with their agenda.
When you see this happening, engage them. Tell them that you are happy to discuss their issue where you can give them your full attention but let them know their behavior is not appropriate. If they launch into a diatribe, interrupt them. That’s not rude. THEY are rude. Now is not the time to be “nice.” Other people are looking to YOU to DO SOMETHING. They will appreciate you taking leadership. By taking the conversation offline you deny the toxic person their audience.
Some people spread their toxin online, which is still harmful. They might lob their toxic grenades through emails, Facebook, and blogs. If these are impacting your church, you need to talk to them about stopping. Just because it's online doesn't give them a free shot at your church. It might not make them cease and desist but it’s important for you to speak to it. You might also want to alert others in your church about what is happening. This can get dicey, so discretion and wise counsel is needed.
5. Set boundaries for the toxic church member.
Now, just because you take your conversation with this person “offline” that doesn't mean they can dominate your time. They might find great satisfaction knowing that they have captured the attention of the leader of the church, which scratches their shame itch. They will try to milk your attention for all it’s worth.
Give them 30 minutes, or whatever amount of time you think is appropriate. Discuss their issue. Listen. Affirm what you can. State your differences. And then thank them for voicing their concerns. You will take their input into consideration. But let them know you will no longer allow the topic to dominate any forum within the church. If they can't support your ministry then they need to find a ministry they can support. Sometimes we bend over backwards, not wanting anyone to leave the church. But if the person is truly toxic, they need to leave.
6. Don't let the toxic person waste your time.
Too many pastors allow toxic people to dominate their time. They end up spending 30% of their time on .5% of the congregation. That's not fair. They often think that their love and reason will change them, but that's not their job. If the toxic person shows no openness to dialogue, then move on...quickly. You've got hurting people under your care, or a sermon to prepare for Sunday, or a hundred more important things that you need to attend to.
7. Ask the toxic person to leave.
This is a last resort after you've done your best to speak with them. But sometimes it's necessary. You are the overseer of the flock. You need to protect your church from toxic people. And people need to see that you ARE seeking to protect them.
If your church is the kind of place that allows loose cannons to roam free, you'll lose good people. The apostle Paul was clear in speaking to the Romans:
I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. Romans 16:17.
So, if this person refuses to comply, they must leave, for the sake of the Body. You don't have to be harsh. Let them know it pains you that it's come to this, but you regretfully must ask them to leave.
Like I said in the previous post, this is not easy, but necessary. When's the best time to confront a toxic person? As soon as possible. Good luck.
There are always exceptions to the rules, so I'm happy to entertain scenarios that might require altering my suggestions. I'd like to hear some success stories (or horror stories) from your experience. It might help others.
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updated 3/22/22