This is Day 13 in our 40 Day Journey from setback to comeback. Today I’m looking at the anger of invalidation.

In Day Twelve I talked about the anger from secondary losses and how not knowing about them can leave you in exile. Over the next few days I want to talk about five categories of loss and the secondary losses that accompany them that lead to anger.

Remember,  a primary loss is like "losing your car keys" while the secondary loss is what happens as a result of losing your keys, like losing respect from co-workers because you are often late for work. There is anger associated with both kinds of loss.

The Anger of Invalidation

The first category of loss is invalidation. To invalidate someone is to insult them or to put them down. It means to disrespect or discredit someone: to make them feel worthless.

Simon Cowell made a name for himself invalidating people. That’s why people got so mad at him. One time, while singers were auditioning for the show, a young woman got on stage who was noticeably overweight. His comment was that they would have to get a bigger stage if she progressed in the show… a not so subtle reference to her weight. Imagine the humiliation this young woman had to endure in front of a national audience. Thankfully, this woman (Mandesa) went on to become a successful gospel singer.

Invalidation Negates Respect

But we all experience mini-Simon Cowell’s in our lives, don’t we? We all have those people in our lives who insist on minimizing our existence and labeling it as “inadequate” or even, “worthless.”

So let’s look at this...What’s the secondary loss associated with invalidation that makes us mad?  I think it’s the loss of respect. Everyone wants their worth to be recognized.  No one wants their life to be trivialized. And when it is, we respond in anger.

Invalidation Negates Control

Plus there’s the loss of control.  We want to stop people from saying stupid things about us. I bet Mandesa would have loved to have controlled Simon’s mouth during that interview. But we have no control over what people say or don't say about us, and so that's a loss.

Remember, loss always leads to anger. You need to identify the loss and own the anger if you want to grieve the loss and move on and out of exile.

What are some ways you experience invalidation? What are the secondary losses that come with it?  

This 40-day journey is adapted from my book, Return from Exile.

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