What Causes Shame?
What causes shame? There are many ways that this question can be answered. But in my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past, I imagine shame as a tree. The roots of shame are experiences in life from which shame can easily grow.
The Roots of Shame
Abuse
There are many kinds of abuse: emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, spiritual as well as many subgroups. But the nature of abuse is that one person takes from another what isn’t theirs without the permission of the victim. Abuse is a violation of personal boundaries. And when boundaries are crossed in this way it communicates to the victim that that have no value.
Ridicule
Ridicule is action a form of verbal abuse but I give it it’s own space because it’s so pervasive. We ridicule emotions, looks, actions, thoughts, speech, really anything we can. Social media is driven by ridiculing people. It seems we all have to have our guard up otherwise our self-worth can easily be shredded.
Neglect
Neglect is the opposite of abuse and ridicule because, instead of being attack, you are simply ignored. But interestingly, it can produce shame just as easily. When you are neglected the message you hear is that you are not worthy of anyone’s time.
Family and Personal Secrets
We often think of shame as being connect to the bad things that we have done. But that’s only a small part of where shame comes from. We can also take on shame for the bad things that our family has done. Things like: incest, crime, addiction, suicide, mental health issues, affairs, etc. We take on the guilt and shame related to what others have done in our family.
Trauma
When tragedy strikes it’s easy to ask, “Why me?” You might think that there’s something wrong with you that brought on the problem. It might even be a judgment sent from God.
The Lies of Shame
The most important thing to understand about the cause of shame is that these experiences don’t cause shame. Shame is caused by the LIES YOU BELIEVE as a result of these experiences. Where there are no lies there is no shame. The lies you believe about yourself from these experiences are what cause your shame.
For example, when you are abused you might believe the lie...If this important authority figure is abusing me they must know something about me that I don't. I must be worthless. Why else would they treat me like this?
If you could maintain a belief that you are valuable in spite of what was done to you, then the event wouldn’t be nearly as painful and long lasting emotionally. But admittedly, that’s almost impossible in the moment. Many of our hurtful experiences happen when we are very young and impressionable.
Overcoming Shame
Now, the connection between experiences and the lies we believe is actually good news because if you can deal with the lies in your mind then you can eliminate your shame. If shame was directly tied to your experiences then there would be no escaping the pain of shame. You would be stuck with shame forever.
But lies can be exposed as false and when that happens freedom follows. If what causes shame is lies, then truth is what will overcome shame. You’ve probably heard the words of Jesus (often quoted out of context)…
“If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31,32
The truth that you need to know, as it relates to shame, is that God loves you unconditionally and no person can take that away from you. When you fully receive this truth and allow it to penetrate your being you will be a new person.
But it’s not just a switch that gets flipped and suddenly everything is better. Jesus talked about being true disciples, followers of him. If you follow Jesus, over time you will start to see things from his perspective and the truth of your value will take hold of your life.
This post just scratches the surface on the topic of shame. But you can search my website for other posts. For a full discussion check out my book, Healing the Hurts of Your Past.
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